Only got one patient in clinic today. And I’m not sure he even has capacity - he was sort of lacking on the ‘retaining information’ part of it when I had to tell him four times which hospital we are based at and that we’d provide a taxi for him. Then I came home and did the washing up and had lunch and watched TV. Got into bed because I felt chilly at about 3pm. At about...
Getting the email saying I could have an extension has boosted my mood so much. All this evening, ever since I stopped crying, I have just felt normal. Talked to my Mum on the phone for a while, told her about the extension and about how I won’t graduate until next year, which she was pretty cool with. It means she gets to go to three graduations in a row, me for my BSc, me for medicine, and...
Other extension things
Obviously it means I can’t graduate this year, but if I graduate next year it means I get to do it with housemate C, and also watch the rest of my old year group graduate medicine, which I’d actually quite like to do. A down side is that I have basically lost my summer. Dissertation is due on the 31st July, viva will be mid August, and I start the next year of medical school on the...
I got an extension
Instead of a week tomorrow, my dissertation is now due on the 31st July. I’m so fucking relieved. Genuinely crying with relief like I haven’t since I got my offer letter for med school.
Cannot word this evening. Am also bad at sentence. Supervisor replied (waking me up at 6.30am I might add) saying she hadn’t heard anything either and that I should email the head of the BSc committee. So I’m trying to write that email but I can’t seem to spit the words out in a coherent order. I also don’t know how much she knows, whether she saw my original GP note, do...
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.– Morticia Addams (via rabbitinthemoon)
It’s a shame really that the symptoms of depression I actually kind of liked having are the first to go. They are complete and utter apathy (which is very relaxing) and appetite loss (have lost some excess flab). They haven’t gone completely. I’m not exactly overeating. And the apathy is still there, except that I have that gnawing sensation of anxiety in my stomach that I...
This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like...– Jalal ad-Deen Rumi (Molavi)
Me and housemate C spent our evening doing a 3D jigsaw of Tower Bridge. It’s still very incomplete. We’re having people over next weekend for a barbecue for aforementioned housemate’s birthday so either we get party guests to join in or we have to finish it before then. And just to further cement our coolness we have all decided to go to bed at 11pm because I am running on...
I slept really badly last night and was uber tired this morning so in an attempt to make it to clinic this century I took two pro plus. It turns out that was a mistake.
theweridandwonderfullifeofbea said: No!!! Stop feeling like this!! You need to shake off the sad shackles and embrace life!!……but at the same time, I imagine that you’ve trying to do that and have been finding it difficult!! What you must know that the Tumblr crew are supporting you! I’ve been doing everything I’ve been told to do. I take my sertraline every morning, I show up for...
Technically my dissertation is due two weeks today. Lol. I am not going to have a dissertation finished in two weeks, no fucking way. I could really do with knowing if I’m allowed an extension or not. Because if I am I’ll keep going. If I’m not I will have to give in. I can’t do it in two weeks when I’m like this. Every tiny little job, like photocopying the camcog...
Literally nothing. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t want to be here, also I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to anything or be anything. Just to cease existing without needing to die. Because right now this absence of anything is feeling like a lot of effort and I’m really tired.
I still don’t get it. I said I didn’t get it. Apparently I have to be taken out of my comfort zone and if my comfort zone is knowing what is going on then I’m not going to know what is going on. I feel like he is literally trying to piss me off. In fact he admitted to trying to provoke me. I don’t know why me being provoked is going to help with anything. Best bit from...
5 Myths About Depression That Annoy the Hell Out... →
Still nothing regarding an extension. On the bright side I have two patients booked in this week. Go data collection. And I need to leave for counselling in a minute. Oh fucking yay. I wonder what percentage of the time will be spent not saying anything this week…
Death by email
Still waiting to hear anything about the extension and every email gives me a mini heart attack. I’ve had three today. Two about seeing a patient this Wednesday, one about applying for graduation, the latter of which is really confusing. Just have that feeling of bubbling anxiety which I haven’t felt for ages so that’s no fun. Apathy is very relaxing and I’m sort of sad...
Cleaning the bat cave
The past few months my room has just turned into my depressed person cave. It smells funny. I have no idea when I last changed my bed sheets. It’s a mess. Anyway my mum and sister are picking me up on the way to visit dad’s family today and they may well want to see my room. Which means I need to make it habitable. Chuck a blanket over the bed, open the window, light a candle, hide...
It’s 6pm and I haven’t heard anything regarding an extension, which means I’m probably not going to hear anything until Monday. Argh. Have been nervously checking my emails all day and then getting all jittery whenever there was one. Former housemate H is coming over this evening so I’m going to have to be cheerful and sociable and I just want to stay in my bed and mope....
Literally can’t stop yawning today. And they’re really unsatisfying. Normally a yawn feels pretty good, but after these yawns I just feel like I want to yawn again.
When I went downstairs housemate E had mopped the floor, done the washing up (and drying up and put it all away) and was cleaning the fucking cupboards. I told her I was glad she was here because things would be falling apart without her, and she brushed it off but I think she was happy. She’s been getting pretty much constant shit from B and C for months. Also I got copied in an email...
Housemate award to Housemate E
This week she has hoovered, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, bought communal food and baked a cake. She has also done normal med school stuff like go to clinics and write notes and attend teaching. I have spent most of the last two days in bed. I have left the house a total of once since Sunday. I have played a fuckload of flow free. I have not done any work. This is mainly due to...
Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two →
cohenstr: She’s back, and it’s worth a read.
I keep yawning and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tired or if it’s a side effect.
There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not...– Yasmin Mogahed (via qoldlush)
Things that suck
Rambly rambly, I’m only writing this down because it’s less effort to type than to write into my journal (yes, yes I keep a journal type thing) by hand. This is a really boring period of time for this blog. It’ll get more interesting when I go back to clinical medicine in September I promise. [[MORE]] I’m trying to make the changes to my introduction that my supervisor...
False alarm, appetite is not back. Also motivation is not back. I’m going home while it’s still sunny.
Each of us inhabits a world fully known only to ourselves.– Irwin D. Yalom (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
I actually felt quite happy this evening. Not about anything in particular, just uplifted. It was nice.
Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness.– Alejandro Jodorowsky (via kaltspiegel)
Urine Colors - What is Normal? What does Healthy... →
My friend sent me the link to this website today. It is our new favourite website. I particularly like the “Fun With Pee” page. And how they have a page dedicated to orange urine and DIDN’T put rifampicin down, when it’s the only drug one I know (and thus I’m assuming it’s common medical knowledge).