This graduand is now a graduate.
This graduand is now a graduate.
From a book I’m reading called The Body has a Mind of Its Own by Sandra Blakeslee & Matthew Blakeslee, found on page 33
The book gives a really interesting example of loss of proprioception (sense of where your body is) . In 1972, 19 year old Ian Watermen contracted a rare disease. Nerves carrying information from his body to his brain were destroyed. Watermen could see but not feel where his body was located. At first he was a mess like a living rag doll, but gradually he taught himself to move by vision but the 2nd he closed his eyes, he collapsed in a heap.
His condition meant NONE of his movements could ever be automatic, he’d have to think about each and every single one.
I’ll be 23.
I hope 23 is a good year. The last couple of odd years (19 and 21) have be blighted by depression surfacing its ugly head. Significant other has assured me that he’ll make 23 break the odd number curse.
Talking of significant other he is coming home (like home home, where my parents are) with me this weekend, which is exciting but also terrifying. I hope it goes ok. It probably will. I probably need to warn my parents that he doesn’t like cheese.
Before them though I have a shitload of stuff to get signed off and a portfolio case to write. Busy times. Then I start on NEONATES next Monday which is majorly exciting.
Disclaimer: May contain rambling and incomplete, unreasonable arguments.
When I did my research year there were two students. Me and him. I was the shambles, the depressed one who needed extra time. He was slightly less of a shambles, didn’t need extra time.
He also collected enough data to end his project there. It came to completion. And he wrote it up, or started to at least. And he went to the big international conference the other month.
And I hate him for that.
Because I wasn’t asked.
I didn’t get enough data, my project was taken over by one of the doctors in my department and she collected more and so she will get to write it up and she got to go to America. In the end it all spirals back to the fact that I was depressed and it feels so fucking unfair. I wanted to go to the conference. If I hadn’t been depressed and under supported I could have thrived as well.
At the same time I have to look from their eyes and the other student is writing a paper and the doctor is writing a paper and she gets to be first author and there is no need for more than one person to represent each project. So of course it should be the first author. Which isn’t me.
It still smarts.
I still feel pissed off at the other student for going to the conference and not telling me until he was drunk on Friday, and even then it was just slipped into conversation. I wonder if everyone else knew? Surely at least some people must have known? When another of my friends went to Brazil everyone knew about it. I’ll never stop being fragile, maybe.
In a way I just want medical school to end. To get a fresh start, to begin again. We have been here too long, I need to be free.
A year from now we’ll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they’re going to better places
But my friends will be gone away
Next month I get to graduate from the degree I did last year. In the same ceremony all my friends who didn’t do the extra degree will graduate medical school. And then many of them move away to continue a new chapter of their lives. I’ll still be here. For one more year. Then it will be my turn.
It’s not like this wasn’t always going to happen. And to be honest, there’s only a couple of people in genuinely worried about losing contact with. But this song still fits the feeling of the moment. The slight disconnect, the awareness that we’ve grown up, wondering how it has been five years already. Five years since we stood awkwardly on the grass in the courtyard and introduced ourselves to each other. Five years since I lived at home full time. Five years since I hoped and prayed for the A in chemistry that was the biggest roadblock to my dreams.
We have grown up so much. The me of today is very different to the me of five years ago. I’m so much more confident, more mature, less serious. It’s gonna so fast, but so many things have happened and so many things have changed. I’m so glad that this is where life took me.
And I have to make an effort to stay in contact with people.2,047 plays
In ophthalmology theatres tomorrow morning. I feel grossed out in advance.
#lots to talk about, probably
#too many things
#all is well (mostly)
if you close your eyes
does it almost feel like
nothing changed at all?
Hi. I am a 22 year old 4th year medic in the UK.
Formerly clinically depressed.
Current block: obs & gynae
Names and things are all anonymised. Stories may be slightly edited in the name of of secrecy and humour.
Ask box always open.